Ophelia Speaks

My first birthday alone in 4 years. Yeah...it pretty much sucked emotionally. I have to thank Sam for actually going out in public with me and for the great gifts...got me some BILLY! wewt.

NO, I don't want you to try to console me or any shit like that. It just sucked ok? I'm grown, it's not about the presents or a party...it's about being lonely and depressed on your birthday. I just want to fast forward to the end of this year and have it be done already. I'm so done with 2007.

Having had that other person around for the past four years...really just...made this year harder than it should have been.

I really think I'm depressed. It's truly horrible. Can't help myself. And I'm not depressed b/c I think no one loves me. I know people do...hell I've only known the people I work with for a few months and they all wrote the nicest things in my birthday card...I know my friends and family love me...I hear it all the time. It's just different. Part of the problem is that I think there might be something wrong with me. Other than Ste, any time I've started to really let myself like a guy...it's ended up horribly wrong. I just feel like I'm defective. Iknow...you're all going to write and tell me, "oh no Manda you're not defective, it's the guys, it's their loss" blah blah blah. I'm not trying to be a bitch (too late) but I just can't help but feel that way.

I know I'm an awesome cool person...so why does every guy end up the same...even when they're so different? Why can I be so happy on my own? I know I can make it on my own, I'm perfectly fine doing my own thing...making my life. I just don't want to be 40 and look back and wonder at all the opportunities to get a hug, to be held...I gave up b/c I just didn't want to hurt anymore.

I miss that the most. The physical affection. I miss hugs...damnit. A hug...just a damn hug...and I'm more of a bitch for it. I really am. Maybe I'm just meant to be this way...really. I get a lot more done and hurt a lot less.

Damnit.

Anyway...I'm alive...birthday was alright...Halloween was ok...and I can't wait for January 1st so I can put this whole year behind me.

M

I stole this from Shawn;)

85%

Free Florida Personals

Anyway...I've found that I'm not as averse to being alone as most people. I don't thrive on it by any means. BUT I'm ok. Like, I miss Sam right now (she went up to SG this afternoon...but I'm not bereft.

I've been feeling really off lately and took some time to just be w/me. I turned off my phone and my computer and just read and enjoyed my own company. I am much cooler than I ever knew;)

I know that I've deeply affected someone I care a lot about and I don't know how to fix it. I actually said I'm sorry too. I've been doing that more and more lately. I guess that's healthy. I'm normally not one to say I'm sorry. Unless it's the, "Oh, you poor thing, I"m sorry" but if it's something that I need to apologize for, I don't normally do it. So...the fact that I said I was sorry...well. It's huge. But still nothing. I try every day...but still nothing. It's sad really. I know I'm flawed, but one mistep and...this. Communicate with me...please. It's quite sad.

I've found that I prefer candle light to artificial light. I can't get away from it w/the computer...but I prefer to burn candles than turn on my light. It's an energy saving bulb and all that...but it's not the same as candle light. I need to get more candles though. Self contained ones...it's just...nice. I want to get more from Bubbalina...but they're expensive! I need more for my room. Yes...it's decided, it's time to make a candle trip...too late now though. Someone remind me ok?

Mm...tuna. I love tuna. I've met quite a few people that absolutely can not stand it...but I love it. Fresh, canned...mmm...I only eat canned chunk white albacore though.

I think I'm in love with incense right now. I've been burning it basically non-stop. I love falling asleep to the general one, w/opium and ylang ylang. Mmm...makes for good dreams.

Speaking of dreams.I've been having a lot of dreams about kids. Me having them, trying to conceive, hugging my children. Last night, for instance, I had a dream that I had a daughter, she came running up to me and hugged me...looked up and me, and I looked down at her, held her cute little face in my hands and said, "Aw, que linda!" And hugged her again. I have no EFFING clue! Yeah...I'm weird.

Time to start the time honored tradition of decorating the apt for the holidays...but we'll be moving soon and I think it's kind of...moot. I can't wait to move into the bigger apt. It'll be nice to have a place for everything and everyone. I want a proper couch though. We'll have to work on that. And where to put the fish tanks. I am NOT looking forward to moving the 60 gallon btw. OH...and btw anyone wanting to come down and help is more than welcome, it's the first weekend in November. Drinks and food will be provided...we're moving down one building so no one should have to worry about driving. lol

All in all, I'm doing ok though. Just so everyone knows. I may take time to just be with myself, but that doesn't mean I don't love you...I'm just needing me time. If I don't answer the phone, it's not that I don't love you, more than likely I've turned it off. I've had the phone off for most of the last three days and it's be FANTASTIC! Try it, I swear it's refreshing. I know a lot of people are like, "But,I don't get many calls or texts" the problem is, you still check it. You're still too tied to it. Eh...

Mmmmm...pear. Yum.

I was meaning to try something tonight...don't know if I have enough time before bed now. We'll see. Damn this day has gone by in a weird way.

Anyway...I'm done now my dears.

Love and all that wonderful stuff!
M

x-posted to Myspace

Well...I guess it's been a while. I know my last entry was basically "hey I'm alive!"

Well, let's see. I'm very nearly not married anymore. Something that has taken too long in my opinion. As some of you may have noted I changed my myspace status to Single already, only after my lovely ex decided to tell me that our marriage was only a technicality. Nice. Oh effing well. I guess.

I'm doing well. Still tired as hell most nights, but doing well. I love my job and I love the people I work with. They're super supportive and great people.

I'm in a weird place right now mentally and emotionally I guess. I've got a few things going on. Don't want to jinx them so I won't mention much now.

I'm happy though. Happier than I've been in a while, even with the random stupid shit going on.

Went to a show tonight, had a bit of fun and left before the end of the second bands' set. Medius was supposed to play but Sam was ready to go and it was getting crowded, plus they weren't mentioned and I didn't see Sean anywhere. Oh well;)

So, how are my dear lovelies? I'm going to go read my friends page in the morning, right now I"m beat.

Love you all. I promise a real update with paragraphs of crap in the near future. Just remind me;)

Love!

I haven't posted in months...

not that there isn't anything to post...just..not a lot of words to say and too many ears to hear them...or eyes to read...take your pick.

Time for me to go to bed...maybe that'll help my funk and I can do a real post tomorrow.

love you all...I am a live...I promise.

I usually write like mad when things are swimming in my head but I think I'm a bit paranoid now. I don't want to commit things to writing b/c they may come to bite me in the ass.

That sounds bad and kind of like I'm doing something wrong, but people manipulate written words so much and it's so easy to do that I just don't feel comfortable actually putting anything down on paper...let alone on the internet.

I remember when I felt this way with my last journal. I started this one and kind of didn't tell anyone...slowly adding people and slowly writing less in the other one. I don't know...I don't want to start another one...but I might.

I'm just...done. Really...there are so many issues that are starting to come up that are kind of "I told you so" 's of the whole situation at hand. I want to crawl back into bed...just lay there. I don't want to sit here and think about it all anymore. I just want it gone and done with so I can move on.

I'm not so unhappy with how things are going as much as I'm unhappy that some people seem to think that I feel more strongly than I do. Eff that. Making is seem like I'd be the one to make a scene. I don't know if I'd even smile and wave let alone say Hi and make a scene. Was it that he didn't want to see me out with friends having fun? Or is he really jealous...he always said he wasn't...but I don't know anymore. The more I look back the more I see it.

*sigh* I have to stop writing about it b/c I'll start saying too much and then feel uncomfortable and such. Blah.

So what's up with everyone else?

OH Here's some fantastic news: I got the kick ass job I had been interviewing for! I'm super happy...pays REALLY well, it's what I like doing, I'll be traveling and such and it has a lot of room for advancement. What do you think of that?

I need to sit down and write out my 5 year plan. I know things I want to do...but I'm not sure the order or how long it'll take.

Lorenzini and I are going to go get matching tats. LOL we're both on the outs with couples and the whole love thing...so we're going to get a half of a broken heart each. I think it fits. I miss hanging out with him. He came over last night with a few other friends and we all had a blast playing charades and talking about non-sense. It was good fun. I do realize how old I am though. They're all around 18 and 19...and don't really realize that making thumping noises at 1:30 in the morning kind of pisses off downstairs neighbors. lol But yeah...I guess I just miss hanging out with my friends in general. I used to talk to Lorenzini daily...and now I'm lucky if it's weekly...and I think it's a small version of how it is with most of my friends and that kills me a little inside to think about.

oh well. I'm super excited about all the changing in my life right now. It's all starting to settle again and it's better than it ever could have been before with certain influences. I'm just happy...for the most part.

Go to myspace and check out A Smear Campaign...I love them. They're my boys and theirs are the shows I've been going to lately. Also check out Medius, I just saw them last night and they're FANTASTIC. I'm super happy about being able to hang out with all the guys again:)

Ok...I'm done. Love y'all!

I took some of these words from someone else. I'm glad she could find the words that I couldn't. ;)

These last few weeks have been hard. The past few days haven't been that bad. I take that to mean that the revelations that I've had have some merrit. So in the throws of this, whatever it is, I have this to say. No matter what you do or say to try and hurt me...no matter how you act or treat me from this point on...I've had worse, you have done worse to me, yet I was still there for you and I still will be. I will always hold my hand out in friendship to you. I still love you and will always love you, I will keep my word. Not a bad word about you will come from my mouth. I respect you as someone who used to be my best friend, partner and love of my life.

So, do what you must to make yourself feel better, I will endure it like I always have and if ever you need me I'll still be here. My love is unconditional. I honestly miss you.

You just have to breathe.

Yes, I find myself at one of those points.

Although it's only 10:15 and I'm slightly tired. LOL

I want to float...like the fish. I want to just drift on a large current.

I'm in a state of pause right now. Things are spinning around me and all fuzzy with lots of static.

Of course that's all metaphor...but everyone gets the point.

There's so much hurt. I just want to take a step back and see if more time would help. Everything is going so fast and I hate that it's gotten to where it is. I want to take some time and just be. Really try to work hard at it. I mean...really. I want to let the pain be worked through, get past the hurt and actually be able to forgive. I'm not asking for forget...just forgive.

It's an independence day of sorts for me too I guess. I'm just afraid that what's done will spin out of control and will cause much more hurt. Don't have a time machine...or I'd be working on going back and doing some things differently. Hind sight and all that jazz.

We saw like two fireworks...the ones over the hill weren't making it up very high. Oh well.

Hope everyone had a great fourth:) Hope you weren't as boring as me:( lol it was kinda relaxing.

*big hugs*

oh...and btw...my phone is on if you guys need it...I'm still here ya know! lol

John Donne

72. "Death be not proud, though some have called thee"

DEATH be not proud, though some have called thee
Mighty and dreadfull, for, thou art not so,
For, those, whom thou think'st, thou dost overthrow,
Die not, poore death, nor yet canst thou kill me.
From rest and sleepe, which but thy pictures bee, 5
Much pleasure, then from thee, much more must flow,
And soonest our best men with thee doe goe,
Rest of their bones, and soules deliverie.
Thou art slave to Fate, Chance, kings, and desperate men,
And dost with poyson, warre, and sicknesse dwell, 10
And poppie, or charmes can make us sleepe as well,
And better then thy stroake; why swell'st thou then;
One short sleepe past, wee wake eternally,
And death shall be no more; death, thou shalt die.

So, I've decided that I'm not a boring person but that I don't like when people try to push me into going out.

Seriously. It's like, I want to go out but some people are too damned pushy.

I've got so much in my mind right now. It's...somewhat sad and somewhat hopeful.

Don't read too much into that. Yeah...

Was going to write more, but I think I might save it for now.

*hug*
M

You found yourself wanting to ask "why?"

I think it's a good question...but often doesn't get answered.

My dad advised me to stop asking why and start saying, "thank you for the test." obviously this thank you statement isn't directed toward anyone in particular...mostly just God, Allah, whoever it is that you pray to. That big animating spirit out there. The great energy of life.

So, I'm making a choice to say thank you, instead of why. To fall at the feet of God and say that I am broken and need help. I know a lot of people won't understand that or tell me that God is only what I give it power to be. BUT I know I can't do it on my own, and I know I'll be better if I look inside myself. Not that I haven't been doing A LOT of that lately anyway. I just need to look at personal flaws, and personal strengths. I'm in need of something much bigger than I am.

What can I do? What was my part in all this and how to I get back from that? I know the answer to some of that. I just...need to let go and stop trying to control everything in my life, I can't and don't know how.

I've always been a highly spiritual person...very centered in my faith. (Not religion, don't get that word into your head b/c it's not what I'm talking about here) How did I lose that? How can I get it back w/out looking like I'm crawling back to old habits just b/c? I still don't like churches, especially big ones. I know we're called to fellowship...but what if the people are running the church for themselves and not God? I hate being judged by over zealous holier than thou nit wits. I know that sounds harsh but it's how I feel and I feel a need to be brutally honest lately. It's a behavior I'm trying to correct with it so bare with me.

I want to be able to feel safe and welcome and loved and I don't feel that in churches after a while. I don't like when people start saying, "You're doing this wrong in your life." "you need to be doing more to server." Kindly gently caress off! Kthx! I know it sounds like I'm judging...I'm not I promise. A guy came to my door a few months ago.

He starts with, "Do you know Jesus as your personal savior?"
I say, "well yes I do."
Him, "Praise God for that! Do you have the Lord in your heart?" (he's getting excited now)
Me, "Sure do."
Him, "Are you living right? I mean are you living your life right?"
Me, "I don't see how that is any of your business, it's between me and God, thanx!"
Him, "You have to be living right! God wants you to be living right! You can't be living in SIN!!!"
Me, "Only God judges me, thanx" shut the door

I went back and sat on the futon, retold the story to Ste as he was playing a game and wasn't paying attention. Ste asked how I can be so nice to those people.

Answer is, I'm not too sure.

I don't feel a need to be mean b/c that's not my place, but I don't need to explain my life to a stranger b/c he's evangelizing for his church.

I had a point. I can't remember what it is. I need to write stuff down more often so I don't lose it!

Anyway...my point is that I'm in need of some spiritual healing...or something.

Comments and concerns welcome...I want to discuss this more as I know I have more in my mind than what is now in this entry.

hugs
M